A Hundred Fears

11 Apr

Early this morning when I got up, I checked Facebook and someone had posted something that basically yanked the rug out from under the world regarding the hopes of getting past this virus. For a moment after reading it I was stunned.

It countered what Jesus had said the day before when He told me that soon there would be good news. I needed to hear that because I keep worrying about selling my books in the future and my paintings too. Before all this started, I had been spending time learning how to use Facebook and how to market my stuff, but all this virus stuff has totally derailed my ideas of what I believed God was doing.

 So, like I said yesterday He encouraged me that things really were going to progress, but then today it would seem that the fear of another setback was trying to make me think otherwise. I have such a hard time being positive and Jesus has really been dealing with me about these negative thoughts.

With this latest news I worried about others too. I thought about this business group where I read this post, and I wanted to say something to encourage them, but I was a new member and coming in there with all this God stuff probably wasn’t going to be well received.  

Then I thought of my little Esther group and wanted to say or pray something for them, but I didn’t get anything from the Lord and I knew He had been leading me away from giving prophetic words. So, I just prayed for everyone and went about my day. Later when I saw what Robert wrote I was very encouraged that God was guiding and I could trust Him to keep things going.

I added a little something that has always helped me and I thought it would help others tune into God better. I suggested that God might reveal things in the natural, and I mentioned how He often uses nature with me.  

After this I spent some time writing. When I took a break, I switched to cleaning my room. Today I tackled the place under my bed.

Now you have to understand that my house has a few places where critters can get under or around my back door, and my room is right next to the back door. And even though I stop up the holes these critters still find small places to get in. Many times, I have had to deal with spiders. I expected this and was praying that I didn’t get bit.

I cleaned deep into places that normally would have had spiders, but there wasn’t any, instead there was only one creature that came rolling out from under some shelving: It was a centipede.

I killed it, but mentally I took note and I knew it meant something because it was the only thing I saw and that never happens.

Now while I was cleaning, I enjoyed Jesus’ input. He has been teaching me to hear His voice better and better and He has been such a good companion. He also has been trying to get me to understand that He is still trying to get me to be more relational. He would make suggestions and some I liked and some I didn’t and by His encouragement I was able to talk about my own ideas. It was so wonderful to have this time with Him there helping me and it kept me from brooding about the future. When I was done, I felt supported and comforted.

Over the last few days, He has been instructing me that this conversational aspect of our relationship needs to increase and I should never just assume that because He makes a suggestion that I’m to rush and do exactly what He says. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be obedient, but if fear or performance comes into the mix then I usually mess things up.

 A little later as I was still enjoying this sweet calm interaction, He then showed me some ways He might ask me to do this in other places. Then I saw myself at the Dollar Store. There was a man there and just in the same way Jesus did with His suggestions in cleaning my room He says, “that man needs to hear a good word from me.” In the little scenario I was seeing I didn’t hesitate to give him a word from God because there was no pressure to get it perfect. It was just done in love for Jesus and for the man.

Then I saw a lady in the checkout line and Jesus said, “this lady needs prayer.” Without a thought I offered to pray for her. And the little mini vision ended.

Now that I understood what Jesus was doing by finetuning my hearing in a conversational way it took all the fear or dread out of me trying to obey Him in the Dollar Store scenario. I do not do well with fear or the pressure of being a prophet and having to get everything right. Many years ago, He actually taught me always follow the peace so when fear comes, I need to stop and wait for Him. I know some people say push past the fear, but most of the time for me when something is the Lord then there is no fear.

Later, as I was watching a show something happened that made me think of Jesus. I tried to day dream what it would be like with Him in heaven and suddenly he was right there. He touched my hand and I laughed. I told Him I was having a hard time thinking positive thoughts about something I know so little about. Jesus was still at the back of the couch touching my hand and then He did this little flip over the back and slid down beside me. I laughed. He likes to be so silly with me sometimes, and He doesn’t mind me joking with Him.

He said, “You are always looking through the glass half dimly.” Sometimes my presumptions interfere with my hearing.

I knew He meant to say you are always looking at life through the glass half empty, but I assumed it was going to be the scripture that says you see through a glass dimly.

When I saw how funny it was that Jesus was talking and I twisted His words I saw an opportunity for a joke.

I said with a mischievous twinkle in my eye, “I think you got those two mixed up, Jesus.”

Then He roared, “Your so right, I definitely did that.” Now we both were laughing because I knew He was playing along. We sat there a few minutes enjoying the fellowship and then He grew thoughtful.

“Cindy, you don’t laugh enough. Your always so serious. Can you trust me?” Lately He has been asking me that two and three times a day.

“What do you mean?” I knew we should trust Him with everything, but as with the other times I thought this was more specific.

“With your future in heaven. It’s going to be so much more fun and beautiful than you can imagine. But you can’t control it. Can you trust me that I’ll make sure it all works out okay?”

I nodded, “It’s hard when I can’t figure out how to daydream about it or how to get my thoughts to go there. I know how sweet and wonderful you are, but it’s so hard to imagine.”

Then I began to feel Him in my heart and it was sweet, “You feel that?” I nodded. “That is the Holy Spirit. If you will work to stay connected then it will make it so much easier for you to think better thoughts.”

This had been the running theme now, and I knew my thoughts had been so negative lately. Being fearful and worrying about the future has been something I have done as long as I could remember. And now it seemed Jesus was working to help me get even more free.

  “You feel that,” again I felt the connection as I moved my thoughts up. I began to laugh and without telling me I knew He was showing me that if I would develop this discipline of staying in tune then I would walk in joy. But, for some reason it’s hard to keep my mind heavenward.  I have tried it so many times and after a few minutes it is gone.

“Jesus, do you think there is something broken in me.” I’d been through a lot of trauma, and have had all the emotional-mental junk that comes from extensive abuse.

 He smiled kindly at me, “Just try Little One, turn your thoughts back upward whenever you remember. I’ll help you.”

“Later I went to my room and I wanted to Facetime a friend. I waited and turned my thoughts upward wanting to make sure I was in tune with the Holy Spirit. When I felt it was okay, I sent her a message and we ended up talking a long time.

I shared with her some fears and a nightmare I had last night where it seemed the enemy was always finding some hole or place to get inside my house.

At the end of the conversation I remember the centipede because she has a book that is a dictionary of prophetic meanings. So, she looked up the centipede which has a hundred legs and is venomous. It was kind of long, and honestly, I wasn’t able to hear after the first two sentences.

Here is what I remember: “You have a hundred fears. Your lack of control over your fears is blocking your progress and the accomplishment of your goals.”

Right now, a lot of us have a hundred fears of what the future will bring. I want you to know that Jesus step by step helped me throughout the day to stay connected with Him and purposed to expose those places that were full of fear and He gave me the solution for how to remain in joy and peace. Jesus is always speaking to us, but we don’t always know how to quiet our hearts or focus our thoughts enough to hear Him. Sometimes it seems impossible to keep our little heart funneled into Holy Spirits flow. And learning how to do all this takes time, but again I want to encourage you that as you step out and start sharing the little things more will come.

* The email will not be published on the website.